Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Will I have enough love?

Almost two years ago I sat on my living room couch snuggled between my two oldest kids and my youngest in my lap. We had just started the adoption process for a baby girl and I longed to have her with us. We didn't even know who she was, but I knew she was out there somewhere. I cried at the thought of her being with all of us. I cried because of the unknown. I never dreamed God would give us a sibling set soon after. As time grew nearer and nearer to bring Samuel and Helen home, I started to doubt myself, my mothering abilities. Is this the best thing for my three bio kids? Will I have enough time for them? Will they know how much I love them or will I struggle to juggle 5 kids? The questions kept pouring in over and over through my mind. As I said goodbye to my two boys and boarded that plane to Ghana with Sydney to bring Samuel and Helen home, I was overwhelmed with emotions. Joy and fear. Joy that I would be with my Ghanaian children very soon. Fear that this would be such a huge mistake for my American children.

As I reflected on all of that tonight, I realized how wrong I was. I have so much more love. And that love comes from Jesus. My kids, all five of them, know I adore them. They adore one another and BEG for more siblings. They already have brothers and sisters "picked out" as soon as B & J get home from Ghana. Oh, how I love their faith, their love, their selflessness.

Tonight, as I sat on my couch, I reflected back to two years ago and how empty my couch seemed that night with three children sitting all over me. Now, it looks a bit differently. With five children sitting all around me, touching some part of me, I realized how empty it was. I realized I long to have B & J sitting with us, scrambling for a leg, an arm, or a neck that belongs to Mommy. And God will provide all I need to be what I need to be for my 7 beautiful children. Will it be hard? YES!!! The last 11 months have not been easy with Samuel and Helen, but they have been GOOD! I would not trade the sadness, the heartache, the anger, the fights, the hugs for anything in the world. It is worth every second of pain to get to the point of hearing Helen say, "Momma, I love you" one thousand times a day. "Momma, Momma, Momma," she will say. And Samuel, what an amazing journey of redemption he and I have been on. A hard road we have walked and will continue to walk, but he is trusting me more and more each day. I thank God for that and we give Him all glory, honor and praise for the good work He is doing in our children.

So for now, I long to sit with my five boys and two girls and watch a movie. I long to be dreaming of what our home will look like next. I long to give God all the praise for choosing me to be their mother. A beautiful, precious, priceless gift He has given me. Over and over.

James 1:17 - Every good and perfect gift comes from above.


Deb said...

Beautiful. :)

Christy said...

So needed to read this tonight...as I sit here with our 2 Ghanaian children, wondering those same things about when they finally come home. Thank you for sharing your heart. Blessed to have you in my life.
Praying your boys are home in your arms VERY soon!

karen said...

I needed it too Kristie-thanks...I have four children and we are waiting for our referral which should come anytime now. I have wondered those same thoughts you have. Something is definitely missing in our home. We can all feel it. Strange. God is sovereign!